14 sleeps to go

Posted on: February 16, 2011

14 sleeps to go

My hysterectomy & possible bowel resection has been confirmed as the 1st March.  So thats it then, fairly final from here on in.  Am feeling a mixture of relief and trepidation.  So much is going on in my life at the mo that I haven’t had the space or time to really totally consider what this means.  Until now that is,  it seems to have hit my husband really hard.  It makes you remember that it’s not just us that suffer through this disease, but it impacts on their being too.  I am not someone who dwells on the ifs or maybe’s but have found myself daydreaming today about how it may have felt to have been ‘properly pregnant’.  How my breasts may feel to have my baby feeding from them.

It is immeasurable the sadness I feel that these things I will never experience.  As a child I remember being desperately broody from a young age,  never ever contemplating that my reality may be a warm heart with an empty cradle.  You never think it will be you.  This time it is me.

I know that I need some positive affirmations to get me through the coming days.  Maybe I am doing the wrong thing,  maybe I need to speak to the consultant about IVF,  we were offered it in November,  but I said no as my understanding was I miscarried as my body treated the baby as endo and thus rejected it.  Maybe if I want a baby this badly I need to go to extreme lengths to get our miracle?

What I resent is that I feel I have no choice,  if I don’t have the surgery then I have to come off the Zoladex,  if I come of the Zoladex then I will return to bleeding for days on end (at its peek I bled for 23 days a month) as well as the crippling pain.  If we opted for IVF then I would need more hormone treatment (which always makes my endo worse) followed by more laparoscopies and whatever they do to harvest eggs. The chances of having a successful attempt, coupled with the fact there is no medical intervention that will stop my body from rejecting the pregnancy (my body rejects eggs it treats it as if it is endo) means that it would be an agonising thing to attempt with little likelyhood of working.

Yet how can I walk away from this chance?


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Roses of Endometriosis

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