myendojourney

Day seventeen – nineteen

Posted on: March 20, 2011


Day seventeen – nineteen

Apologies for merging the last three days in to one blog,  but it seems appropriate to do this as I haven’t been able to write each day.

Has been a bizarre few days.  After the normality of Thursday (tescos etc) Friday was really quite low key, spent the day resting and watching day time TV.  Duncan had planned for some time to go out for the day on Saturday – was incredibly jealous to see him in his bike leathers ready to go and enjoy the sunshine.  Made me even more determined to get a new bike next season when I am all recovered.

Am feeling really quite flat in myself now,  I hadn’t even recognised it in myself until my great friend Linda said she had read my blog and could hear it through my writing. Linda came to see me on Saturday, she looked simply fabulous in her skinny jeans (she’ll love me for this!) I hadn’t realised how much not dressing in my normal clothes has been getting me down.  Some friends know you better than you know yourself and just seeing her and talking about my blog and how I was made me realise that I needed to admit that I do feel below par.  Some of this was I am sure that Saturday was a beautiful day, Duncan was going out on his motorbike and I was experiencing full on cabin fever, then Linda turned up looking stunning and the green eyed monster reared its head.  Thank god for friends who are always there for you,  I got dressed (with a little help) and MIL, Linda and I went out for tea and cake (always the medicine to improve your mood).

It’s almost like I am a third party in my own body.  It’s not responding or able to do the things I have always taken for granted – don’t get me wrong I appreciate this is a temporary state and I am hugely fortunate that I will recover from this,  but part of me is afraid of recovering because then I have to get back to normality , and what is normality?  I wonder if I am actually ready to leave this chapter of my life behind and what life will feel like without being faced by my treatment or by not being physically able to do normal things (am almost ashamed to write this here, but I promised to be honest and this is as honest as I can be).

It feels like the third party in me is moving on,  but there is part of me who isn’t ready to move on, shocked that I needed this op and that my endo was as bad as they said it was. The second part of me is cocooned in this bubble trying to process that I am actually now infertile, I have come through major surgery, and no longer have my womb, ovaries or cervix and that there is no chance I will ever be pregnant now,  this part of me can’t see how I am ever going to move away from this feeling, and the later part of me is starting to think about the future, holidays, what work I may do, what Duncan and I might do together.

I guess its still early days,  less than 3 weeks have passed.  I look at my scar (which is healing so well) and can’t believe that something so neat is hiding the horror of me having a hysterectomy at 33.

I do feel different,  I was afraid I would change because of this op,  part of me was scared that I wouldn’t feel womanly and part of me was afraid that my emotions would consume my being and I wouldn’t be able to manage them.  I don’t know if this is happening to me now, it feels too surreal to tell.  The other element to this is that since the op I have had no time on my own – this has been a good thing, but delays the time when I can contemplate and reflect on what has happened and where I am now. My MIL is such an easy person to spend time with I don’t need to hide how I feel , solitude for me is often worse than being in company,  I put this down to being from a large ‘loud’ family where you would never have 2 seconds to think let alone be on your own.

The good news is that I do still feel womanly but I feel different, in some ways I feel released and free which is odd when you consider my previous paragraphs. Part of me was terrified that Duncan wouldn’t fancy me anymore and that he would not want to be with me now.  I know that is hard for him as it’s like I am pushing him away. He tells me he married me for me and not because he wanted me to have children – but I don’t know if the shoe was on the other foot how I would cope with his infertility ( I hope I would be as generous as he is but I will never know).  It feels like he is making a huge sacrifice to be with me and I don’t know if I can ever repay him for this. Of course he still fancies me, even called me his beautiful lady on a facebook status when I was in hospital, hearing this and actually listening to it are two different things.  Duncan has been just amazing throughout this whole journey,  we have had some really tough times but without him I just don’t think I could have got through any of it.

The weekend brought news of three pregnancies within our wider friendship circle.  This is no real surprise given the fact that is the most natural thing to do in the world, what I struggle with is how people tell us.  Of course there is no easy way to say it, but if I can give one piece of advice if you are ever in this situation,  don’t hide it from your infertile friend,  because that will hurt more.  I was left wondering why we hadn’t heard anything from them and wondering what we had done, only to then find out from a mutual friend that they were in fact pregnant.  Infertility isn’t contagious, nor can you predict how they will feel,  but if you aren’t honest you can guarantee your infertile friend will be gutted that you couldn’t tell them yourselves.  I remember about 4 years ago someone who I considered to be a good friend at the time started ignoring me, I was absolutely convinced I had done something but had no idea what,  she ignored my texts,  blanked me at work and socially.  Then about 2 months later I managed to catch her on her own and she told me that she had got herself pregnant following a one night stand and had consequently had an abortion. She couldn’t bring herself to tell me, and had gone through it all on her own.  I would never ever judge someone for making this heart wrenching decision, nor have I ever been resentful of any pregnancy within our family or friends.  What I find difficult is that people struggle to be honest with us,  which makes me think that they don’t know us at all.

I will look back on this time as a blur I am sure,  but at the moment its hard to see past,  I am lucky that I will recover and that I don’t have an illness that is more physically or mentally debilitating,  but endometriosis and infertility are terminal illnesses they will always be part of me I will never be cured,  living with them day to day is treadmill and I have just changed the speed on mine, my emotional and mental healing needs need some time to catch it up

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2 Responses to "Day seventeen – nineteen"

“endometriosis and infertility are terminal illnesses they will always be part of me I will never be cured, living with them day to day is treadmill ….. my emotional and mental healing needs need some time to catch it up”

This, so far, has been the hardest for me to read, its exactly what i am feeling and didnt know how to say it, so thank you xxx

Love
Natasha S xx

hi Natasha
am so touched that you have left me a comment thank you
hoping you are okay and that on some level my blog has helped you
kind regards
endosister Liz x

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Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

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