Day twenty nine

Posted on: March 30, 2011

Day twenty nine

Apologies as I have skipped a couple of days.

It seems incomprehensible that 4 weeks ago today I had my operation; that my body was liberated of the core that made me a woman. Don’t get me wrong it is a welcome milestone, am now able to make a cup of tea and can start lifting things,  as long as I follow the rule that if it hurts I don’t do it. But at the same time I feel stuck,  not ready to move in to my new life and become this new person in the new life that awaits me. I don’t wish to appear like a broken record but how do I begin to move on from this,  I am a wee bit lost. I keep reminding myself to keep smiling it is all those small steps that make the massive difference.

I have been reading many posts that are placed on Endo forums looking at what fellow suffers are currently experiencing , it almost feels like I have no right to respond or comment now as I have crossed to the other side – I have made the ultimate sacrifice in search of a healthier life. This feels similar to the experience I had when I stopped posting on the recurrent miscarriage forum about a year ago.  The ladies there were a constant source of support and were talking about the causes of recurrent miscarriage, what new research was out there, what you could do to try and have a viable pregnancy.  They were such a fantastic group but when I knew there was no possibility I could carry a baby all I could do was leave the forum.

Now I know I am still a sufferer of Endometriosis, but when I read many of the comments posted on the sites by other who have had their lives cursed by this disease I feel under qualified to comment now I have ‘crossed’ to the otherside.  Am also increasingly frustrated by remarks that a hysterectomy is not a cure so should not be considered by the sufferer – almost as if those making the comments feel that those of us who have taken this drastic step have taken the easy option.  Rest assured this was not the easy option – I could have stayed on the Zoladex for another year, but the outcome would have still been the same.  Ultimately what is better a life time of pain killers, periods of chemically induced menopause and HRT, more laparoscopies or having a hysterectomy in the hope that maybe you will be a lucky one and be able to live a reasonably painfree life.  Yes there is a very real possibility that I may need more surgery in the future if the endo that remains around my bowel regrows, I will deal with that if I need to in the future.  There is just no way I could return to bleeding 23 days a month.  I also know that I was increasingly desperate to have a successful pregnancy and whilst there was a chance I would never give up hope – maybe I did opt for the easy option,  but it was crucifying me knowing that it was my body letting us down, stealing us of the opportunity to have our own baby.

Even on the day of my surgery when they tested my urine there was a huge part of me screaming ‘please let me be pregnant so this ends here’ , obviously I wasn’t but it was a nice day dream to have.

Day by day am getting stronger,  my scar looks fab its so neat, itches like crazy but am in awe of how neat it is.


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Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

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