Day fifty nine

Posted on: April 29, 2011

Day fifty nine

Just a quick post tonight as I am so shattered and need to head to bed.

Really suffered overnight for such an active full on day,  but it was worth every single moment of it.  The pain in my rib has been throbbing , have also had a stinging sensation in various places around my tummy.  Am wondering if it is the scar tissue I was advised about – almost feels like an internal paper cut.

After the highs of yesterday today was always gonna be flatter in comparison.

I think after looking at all the pretty summer dresses and seeing how the world is still turning (what a shocker) even after everything that has happened to me has given me emotions that I wasn’t expecting.  Its like my feminine side has been locked away  everything that I liked was either high necked or a dark colour. I am usually the first person to wear bright colours and combinations you wouldnt be seen dead in.

Also bought my first bra in a smaller size – this in itself seemed a huge thing to do,  I am in hope that my bossoms will settle down and return to a C cup but in the mean time I need to wear something that actually fits me.

As I settle in to my new reality there is a huge part of me that needs to grieve, be angry and just indulge my inner sadness. I just don’t feel feminine anymore.  It is like I have lost the very core that was me, by losing my womb , ovaries and cervix I feel like I have lost so much more. Then with my boobs shrinking too its like everything I was familiar with about my physic is different. My skin looks different, my face looks different and inside I am different.

I guess if I had a broken leg you would be able to see it but this break is deep inside and no amount of plaster cast is ever gonna set this right.

On the upside my fascinator is ready and am all excited about spending the day tomorrow with close friends




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