Day sixty three – continued, approaching normality

Posted on: May 3, 2011

Day sixty three continued approaching normality!

As I approach my three month milestone, am starting to feel pressurised about returning to work and the world.

Whilst I can see that returning to work maybe good for me as I naturally thrive on being busy and filling my time,  currently physically I know I am not ready to start driving from place to place or well enough to cope with a full day.

Aside from my physical difficulties and pains that I am experiencing, I also need to acknowledge that before I had my bowel resected and hysterectomy I made a really important decision, I chose to have my life back;  I wanted out from the cycle of medication that was only prolonging the inevitable.  I knew that if I kept my womb that it wouldn’t work for me – I was still infertile, unable to fulfill the basic primeval function that many of us yearn for.

This period of convalescence is for rest and recuperation, in many ways the physical healing that I am doing is the easy part. The hardest part is letting myself  heal from inside out not outside in, the emotional upheaval of the last 10- 15 years is not gonna disappear over night. Our losses will stay with me forever, as will the broodiness and yearning for a baby.  I have to hit my internal healing head on and deal with it – I need time to understand where I am now and how I feel.  This is the only way I will be able to move on with my future and have the life that is waiting for me.

I consciously chose that I wanted my life back (I have huge admiration for you ladies who never give up hope and continue on the journey to biological parenthood). I am also consciously choosing to deal with these emotions now, emotions attached to infertility, are complex and vast ranging from happy to sad to angry. Some days I go backwards; I doubt the choice I made and wonder if I should have tried harder, I question whether I took the easy option, even though it really was the only option available to me  – but I know this is all part of healing.

On the bad days I just want to be held, my trusty teddie Charlie has never been cuddled so much in bed as he is now,  he saw me through my bad endo days and he’s not letting me down this time either.

In the future I will know how I am feeling by measuring how quickly I bounce back when I hear of a pregnancy or a birth.

We are all unique, the way we all deal with grief is unique because our circumstances are unique.

I can only deal with the here and now and for now this time is about me, myself and Duncan – its about understanding what we have been through, grieving for my physical self and allowing my emotional self – the mother in me , to say goodbye to the hope of becoming a biological mother.  I am not ready to consider any other options for motherhood maybe that will change with time,  for now I just need to allow this gaping hole inside of me the time to express itself in anyway it so chooses.

Liz x

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Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

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