Day sixty nine

Posted on: May 9, 2011

Day Sixty nine

I have been taking some time out to talk to someone about how I have been feeling,  it amazes me that throughout this whole experience I have not been offered counseling at any stage.

What was incredibly interesting about my session this week was that we talked about something called brain memory.  Where the physical self hasn’t registered that an organ is missing.  Of course I can’t be 100% sure that this is what I am experiencing but it certainly seems logical.

I know my womb, ovaries and cervix have gone but I am not sure my body has caught up with this development.  I am struggling to explain what it means so let me try again.

Basically I have so many different levels of feelings and emotions,  it has been so hard to differentiate between what is me, what my physical self needs, through my session I discovered that I am actually quite frightened about the future.

Me, myself and I have at times been crippled by grief about the loss of prospective motherhood – even though my womb didn’t work!

My physical self is trying come to terms with the loss of vital organs,  the one that is at the core of any woman’s body whether you use it to procreate or not.  It provides elements that are necessary to function daily as a woman. Physically I also believe my body is in shock that I am no longer on a cocktail of hormones and painkillers.  I have no idea if you get withdrawal but there has been a physical dependence for some time on a variety of drugs.

Me, myself and I are also a bit lost about what happens now – what will my future hold?  Is it wrong to be a bit freaked that I no longer need to see a gynecologist?  not that I want to see another one ,  but do I really not need one?  It is an amazing reality to have been affected so badly by this chronic illness and then 7 weeks later discharged and told to continue to heal. For as long as I can remember I have been plagued by long painful periods, fertility and question marks around my health,  I almost hold my breath when I dream to believe this is all in my past.

Of course I have no answers but at least now I have a clearer understanding of the questions my emotional and physical self are asking.

I am incredibly proud to have received my first comment on my blog this week, in response to my home page.  That means someone is actually reading what I am writing – thank you xx


2 Responses to "Day sixty nine"

Hello Liz,
another fab post!!
In a way, even though I’ve had my last period (thank god), I kind of feel very strange that I will never have one again. I won’t ever walk down the “Ladies” aisle in the supermarket and buy vast amounts of sanitry towels (tena lady doesn’t count and I refuse to buy those anyway!), or like you have said, work out when is the best time to arrange something. Also I no longer have the excuse of “sorry love, It’s that time of the month”, but as much as I’m glad that I will never experience the horrendous bleeding, part of me feels very strange about not having it either.
Anyway, love you lots as always xxx

hey Jacqui thanks for your reply you are my second commentor! What will those big companies do without our income – surely they will face a tough year after losing our custom. If you keep your ovaries apparently you still suffer the ups and downs of the monthly emotionally. I just have the menopause to blame xxxx

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Roses of Endometriosis

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