Day seventy five

Posted on: May 11, 2011

Day Seventy Five

The day started out with me speaking to a good friend of mine, a friend from school who has herself had fertility issues but is about to have her second baby.  Before her first babe was born we would meet up and ‘compare’ what fertility tests we were having now.  To console ourselves with our childless state we would indulge in a bit of retail therapy and cake!

Am so pleased that for her,  the next chapter for her now is motherhood of a second child.  No idea of the sex yet – but she did share the choice of names and am pleased to say Auntie Lizzie approves.
After our chat I just felt completely lost, and frustrated that even after all this time I am still saying the same things, the only thing that is different is that I feel qualified to now say I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN.  Before I always thought when I said it that I sounded like I was making it up.
There are so many within our friendship group having babies at the moment,  maybe its just the time of year? or maybe its just a fact of life we have to get used to. A friend had a little girl last week – I just can’t face getting her a card and a gift – does that make me a bad person?  I did tentatively look tonight at the cards in Tesco but I picked them up and read the words – was almost like they had been written with invisible ink, I don’t have a clue what they said and nor am I really interested. I am never gonna be a member of the ‘new born baby club’ and although am thrilled for them, I just can’t send them a congratulations on your new arrival card with my name inside. I know how bad this sounds – its about their arrival not about my grief, maybe in time this part will get easier.
If I told people that we suffered with early miscarriage the amount of people who remarked that at least it wasn’t a later loss and that we had only just found out , as if that meant we didn’t love what I had been carrying any less.  With a bit of luck those who have cast judgment over our grief will never experience what we have and will therefore never be qualified to say how we should have dealt with it.
Endosister Liz


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Roses of Endometriosis

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