Day seventy seven

Posted on: May 18, 2011

Day seventy seven

Evening all,  I know if I don’t write this post tonight then I will edit what I write so here goes,  I always promised to write the truth. This week has been an odd week.  I am not sure whether its because I had to go to the doctors this week or whether its just because   I am exhausted.

I have no emotions that I can write down, I feel rather empty and just have that bad feeling inside of me ….. you know when you have been dumped and you walk round and your stomach or heart just feel broken.  I have written before about losing my core, at the time of writing this I thought I understood what this meant,  as time goes on it becomes apparent to me that I don’t understand the entirety of what this means.

Losing the thing that made me a woman has rocked every inch of my existenceIts easy to argue in black and white that the presence of your womb does not make you a woman its how you feel inside that defines that,  but from where I am at the moment I can hand on heart say that this is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.  As I begin to look at my future I am beginning to comprehend what my new reality means, others who are infertile have told me that it never gets any easier but you learn to live with it.  Well I am waiting with open arms for this strength.

Part of my struggle is that throughout my illness I could never admit that I was ill – I think I was so used to feeling like it I didn’t really know what normal was.  Friends and colleagues who I havent seen for sometime make reference to how well I look – it just goes to show how tired my body was of the endless bleeding, agonising pain and hopelessness of infertility.

A large part of my struggle is that I fear that by admitting how I feel means that I am losing my battle,  when in reality I pray it means I will find the strength to win.

thank you for reading



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Roses of Endometriosis

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