myendojourney

Day eighty – New Beginnings

Posted on: May 22, 2011


Day Eighty

Morning all,  firstly you know that of late my blogs have been more on the sad side than the brighterside,  my instinct is to apologise for this,  but I am not going to – I promised to be honest and my feelings have been reflected within my writing. Writing is also helping me to heal – have discovered a real passion for it, one that I hope will become stronger as I become stronger.

Todays blog is entitled New Beginnings and you will I hope understand my reason for this.  Yesterday I attended the wedding of a friend of ours,  those closest to me know how much I was dreading going – I didnt want to put a dress on and make up, I didn’t want to make polite conversation – in general I was just being rather grumpy about the whole thing.

Against my will I did get glammed up,  I wore makeup for the first time in 11 weeks, Duncan helped me get in to my spanx! (went for the full body effect as the swelling gets worse as the day goes on). Duncan did say to me

‘is it possible that in the future you will be able to put your own underware on with no help!’

Charming – I did remind him that it is at least 8 weeks since he helped me pull my pants up and I am sure if I was asking him to pull them off he wouldn’t have such a problem …. tee hee!

The wedding was beautiful,  very understated and intimate, we were honored to have been invited and played a part. Congratulations to the happy couple!

Between the service and the evening reception some of the guests went and had fish and chips , sadly it was too windy to sit on the beach so we convened in the pub garden. I was really drawn to talking to the brides family,  we spent a nice hour or so chatting and then headed home – I needed some rest if I was to make it through the evening do too!

We didn’t know any of the guests, you know what its like at these weddings,  you have the drunk lot who are just drunk and the sober ones who feel like they are stuck out like a sore thumb! There is a pater for informal conversation with people that you haven’t met before and at a wedding its generally

‘How do you know the couple’

‘What a lovely day’

‘Have you traveled far’

‘DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN’

Well true to form less than 3 minutes in to arriving the million dollar question was asked.

It transpired that although for them it was not a fertility issue,  due to fybriods they were also fairly used to the insides of a gyne waiting room and that a hysterectomy in the future is a real possibility.  We were similar in age and experienced similar difficulties with periods, blood loss and pain. I give myself a hard time because I think I should be recovering faster than I am,  but the couple couldn’t believe that my op was only 11 weeks ago they were really taken aback by how well I looked!  This was really really nice to hear, I hope that our chat and also Duncan’s perception of my recovery helped them also as this was putting her off making the decision to have the op done,  it felt great to tell her that even though I was recovering physically I do feel better than I ever remember.

Later on we ended up talking to the brides family again,  as both Duncan and I were on the wagon (him because I am not driving, me because I don’t think its a good idea) we were offered a drink and we declined, explaining that we were only on lime and soda.  To which the brides sister  (S) said ‘Oh is that because you are trying for  a baby’.  I was quite taken aback by this direct statement . I then retorted ‘actually no I am recovering from a hysterectomy’  we were both shocked at the speed and contents of the comments.  I did apologise profusely as I was rather blunt!…. at least we got the heavy stuff out the way early on!

Anyhow – as I said earlier in the day I had been very drawn to speak to her and I now began to understand why.  S also is infertile,  she has been with her other half for nearly 20 years,  and now after all the heartache she said that I needed to know that there is life without children,  that it is okay for me to feel broody and yearn but that I mustn’t let life pass me by because of my grief.

I know that this isn’t the first time this sentiment has been said to me – but for some reason last night I seemed even more able to hear what was being said.  Maybe its because I had never met her before and she didn’t know me – she wasn’t just saying it.

The extent of our conversation will stay with me forever.  We have a huge amount of common interests and I hope that we will stay in contact.

A special friend of mine gave me a copy of the Celestine prophecy to read when I was in hospital, through this I learned that there is always a reason for meeting people – nothing is by chance , but its up to you if you are ready to seek and to learn.  I made a promise to myself whilst recovering that I would endeavor to talk to those I was drawn to and to seek my lessons.  It wasn’t just about infertility the reason I met S yesterday,  we talked in great detail about studies and her passion for photography and I was captivated by the whole discussion. At some point I will share our conversation with you but for now I am going to digest and absorb what was said.

Today as cheesy as it sounds is the first day of the rest of my life,  I refuse to give in to this grief – I will continue I am sure to have sad days but I have to focus on the positives, and stop beating myself up with guilt and grief – the only person this hurts is me!

I guess also what I learned yesterday is how much social isolation affects a person,  for 11 weeks I have been surrounded by a small group of special people.  I haven’t had a problem with this and to be honest its all I could cope with,  but gradually I need to reintroduce myself to the world, the new me!

thanks for reading

Endosister Liz

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Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

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