Day eighty one

Posted on: May 23, 2011

Day Eighty One

I have just broken one of my rules – to never read back a post I have written,  I read yesterdays blog as well as one of my earlier ones,  they made me cry.

Not tears of sadness, but just to read how far I have come.  12 weeks tomorrow I underwent radical surgery in quest for a better, healthier life.  Whilst I thought I was prepared for this surgery and my transition to better health, I now understand that I was physically ready but not mentally.  I am not sure you can ever be mentally ready to say goodbye.  I am surprised by how the presence of my womb, ovaries and cervix defined me as a woman.  My exterior has not changed (apart from my Zip like scar)  but internally physically and emotionally I have changed beyond all recognition.

Simply this time has been the hardest of my life , at times I have wondered whether it would ever get easier,  I have renewed faith in my ability to get stronger and to become the Lizzie that those who are closest to me know – well the new version of Lizzie anyhow.

I will be eternally grateful to those whom I consider to be in the ‘closest’ bracket.  My husband, my mother-in-law, my special friend (she is real – calling her my special friend makes it sound like she’s imaginary), my older sister Emma and Phil my twin brother. There are others obviously (my parents, younger sister and other friends) who have supported me but the handful of people I have mentioned have been the ones who have pulled up my pants, wiped my tears, known I was ill when I didn’t see it in myself, taken me to the supermarket and carried my shopping!

Since my operation I have been frustrated that I hear others who have a hysterectomy can drive or do normal things after only a few weeks – I was under strict instruction about no driving for at least 3-4 months.  Not lifting anything for the first month, and even now I am unable to lift anything much at all without getting pain.  This is when I have to remind myself that actually my op wasnt a straightforward hysterectomy ,  it was more complicated , the pains I still get from my bladder and bowel as well as adhesion pain are a constant reminder of that. For 12 weeks I have been confined more or less to my home,  limited with my social interactions.  As I wrote yesterday I am now beginning to understand how much this has affected me, and my confidence. Going to the wedding on Saturday was a reminder of how much I love meeting other people and learning from them.  Whilst it has been hard for me to be detached from the world,  it has actually done me some good,  I have been given time to contemplate, reflect, think and just be with myself.  This is not something I am naturally good at.  I come from a large family , where there was constant noise and distraction.  Being by myself is a new skill that I am now enjoying.  My family nickname is Bizzie,  my Dad always says I am ‘Bizzie by name and Bizzie by nature’.  In recent years this has been a conscious choice.  This forced period of invalidity has made me reflect and consider where I am in my life and where I am going to, it has forced me to face what endometriosis has done and how much grief it has caused me.

I am sure it is normal to see someone different than others see when you look at yourself in the mirror.  We have never seen ourselves as having a rough time,  our story has been what it is – our story.  I have never seen myself as someone who has had a difficult time – we both feel incredibly fortunate to have each other and know that this journey could have been worse.  It has shaped us in to who we are now,  but somewhere in that story I forgot who I was,  for too long everything I have done in my life has been shadowed by ‘but I am not a Mum’ or ‘will I be bleeding, or how much pain will I be in’. For too long I have been crippled by grief and guilt – its only now that I am beginning to understand how much I have been mentally punishing myself for being infertile.

I can’t imagine that overnight I am going to stop this mental torture but by recognising it in myself surely I can begin to address it. On Saturday one of the guests said to me that a hysterectomy is the most major surgery a woman can face,  before you add on all the emotional stuff – 3 months is a milestone but it is still early days.

Whilst the sadness about not being a Mum is still incredibly raw,  the excitement about our new life is building.

Thanks for reading

Endosister Liz

p.s I forgot to say, coped really well in heels yesterday,  first time out in them so I did wonder – but I didn’t think about the fact that when you go to a church wedding you stand up and sit down alot!!! that killed my stomach.  Today I have been shattered, feel like have been run over by a bus and my hot flushes have been manic!  But was worth it xx

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Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

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