Day eighty two onwards – The facts will never change , its how I relate to it

Posted on: May 29, 2011

Week Twelve

Have decided to move away from the day thing and move to weekly , I may post more than weekly but I am sure that as my life patters in to normality it will become harder for me to write everyday.  So weekly is now my pledge!

So this week , let me tell you how I have been feeling.  I have completely moved on from the meltdown that happened 10 days ago, ‘day seventy eight’,  I am not pretending to be happy, I am just trying to get on with it .  The problem is that where I am will never change.  I will never ever be able to have a baby, I will never ever again have to do a pregnancy test ‘just in case’ , for the first time in I can’t remember having sex or everyday being is about me rather than ‘will I have a baby this year or next’.

Please don’t think I was obsessed – because I don’t believe that I was,  I actually managed to maintain a life whilst pining for motherhood and pregnancy. Now though I understand how much I desperatley lived with the hope that one day  ….. just one day that thin blue line would stay positive and mean that we would become parents of our own little beautiful baby.

Whilst that dream is not going to ever be fulfilled for us,  I have as you know written about the depth of the mourning that I have experienced since March 1st,  I am beginning to understand that new dreams, different ones with opportunities and life are within arms reach – I just have to give myself permission to grab them with both hands.

Duncan has got a new mantra ‘we are going to start living again’,  the first time he said it my belly flipped,  it took my breath away – not that he said something I didn’t already know,  but its comments like these that make you realise the sacrifice and support he has showed me every step of the way.

I do want to tell you about the difference with my broodiness.  Firstly I am as broody as ever,  I am finding it incredibly difficult to be with pregnant women and with babies,  this is something that before my op I struggled with but I could manage – now its like I have ants in my pants and I need to run away as quick as possible.   Secondly, whilst I mentally feel broodier than ever, physically my body has changed,  I don’t feel the mental pull towards sex or heaviness of my breasts because they ache to feed a baby.  I have no idea if what I am describing even makes sense – you probably think I am stark raving mad.  But I did promise to tell you the truth – and this is the honest truth.  Duncan and I were talking about it yesterday morning and he said that he wonders whether its because my hormones have gone AWOL, and that the instinctive yearning for motherhood as a primeval function is not being demanded by my body as the chemicals that feed this need have gone.  Sound awfully convincing so maybe he’s right?

So mentally I am working on a positive attitude,  the facts for me will never change,  its only how I relate to the situation that I have control of.  If I sucumb to the mental black hole that I was in last week then Endo is winning again – I haven’t come this far to let it consume anymore of my life.

I will always mourn and I will always feel robbed of something that I assumed I / we would have ….. our babies!

The pain is I think a little better, am certainly moving better than I was last week,  the swelling in my bellie is also going down – I only know this as my maternity jeans are too big – I did try to wear my pre op jeans yesterday and lasted half an hour! I don’t know if this is common, and whether other ladies have struggled to wear their pre op clothes,  or whether its because I had a vertical incision and so much done down there. Well what ever the reason for it – I bought some more maternity jeans today in a SIZE 12 !!!!! with belt loops so at least I can hold them up with a belt if need be.  I am still uncomfortable under my left rib,  but when I sleep at night I am sure I am waking myself up less when I roll over. Not that I sleep well or for long as I am too warm but when I sleep I know I am not in as much discomfort moving about.

I am going to meet my new nephew this week and stay with my brother and his wife for a few days.  When I return I am going to increase my exercise, at the moment I am only swimming, but by the time I come home I will be able to drive which will make life so much easier!

Have a great week and I will post soon I promise

Endosister Liz x

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Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

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