myendojourney

Week twelve – Ouch!

Posted on: May 31, 2011


Week twelve – Ouch!

The problem psychologically when you are told not to do anything for a certain amount of time is that when this ‘milestone’ passes you suddenly forget that you still need to take it easy!.

I was advised not to carry anything heavier than a kettle for 6 months,  and it was vital that I behaved myself up to 12 weeks.  Well unconsciously I have started carrying more in the last couple of weeks, I don’t mean heavy items either. But I have vacuumed and moved the linen basket etc – all things that I have done without so much of a thought. Also I am moving much easier without holding my abdomen straight.

Well yesterday morning I woke up in agony, so much so I thought I was having a period – until I remembered this is an impossibility! 

I was in so much pain I went back to bed – those of you who know me realise how rare this is. 

It got easier in the day and whilst cooking tea it was agony – so much so I had to sit down half way through,  Duncan then said ‘I wonder if its muscle bruising where you are moving and doing things easier’.  At first I was very defensive – Of course not I have been good! I retorted, and then I thought back to the basket of fresh washing etc.  So since then I have humbly apologised and am back on light duties – what an idiot.

It just goes to show that even though I am feeling better physically I have a way to go and there is no way I am able to think about doing a whole days work yet.  When you are housebound you forget what being in the world takes out of you – I had a reminder yesterday that I need to start building up gradually.

This morning whilst the pain is still present it is better for the moment, and I intend to consciously think before I lift anything, really don’t want to do myself any harm.

Also yesterday a good friend of ours who has just had a baby popped by with her husband (kids were with Nanny) to say hi – it was incredibly thoughtful that she left her 3 week old at home, she wanted to see us but didn’t want to rub our faces in it.  This is a very sensitive and kind thought,  what is different about them from other people with children is that they lost a daughter at 5 hours old.  An awful tragic loss, that neither of them will ever recover from.  It was nice talking to her, because she had similar experiences with others. 

Let me try to explain what I mean.  I feel that I am a Mum,  I have 7 babies that were just too precious for me to meet,  it wasn’t their time….. I say this to others I often get a funny look – therefore I don’t say it. I don’t qualify for the Mum’s club, Mothers Day flowers nor will I ever hear their laughter or their voices.  But for me the moment I saw that blue line or the word PREGNANT on the test – I fell in love.  I will always hang on to how precious this feels and how lucky I am to have felt this.  For my friend loosing her daughter at 5 hours,  if people ask her how many children she has,  it’s always 5,  but when she gets to baby number 4 there is a stony silence – where she feels that her beloved daughter should not be mentioned.   It was lovely chatting to her and her husband,  but when they left Duncan and I had a moment together where we just needed to be together.  Talking with them about our losses, my treatment and infertility was raw and open – we felt we could be honest with them but it opened up feelings that normally we have a lid on – especially when we are in company.

For me it doesn’t matter that I can’t say to others I am a mother,  all that matters is that in my heart I am and no one can ever rob me of it.

The rest of this week I am on light duties again! Promise to be a good girl!

Kind regards

Endosister Liz

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Roses of Endometriosis

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