Week seventeen – floored!

Posted on: July 7, 2011

Week seventeen – floored

Yesterday I was completely knocked sideways …. have you seen the new barking idea to sell lottery tickets for £20 in the hope of winning IVF treatment!  what the hell has happened to this world.  If it’s not enough that there are people who suffer with infertility some damned idiot has started a ‘win a baby raffle’ .  Unfortunately for the shop assistant I was in the local corner shop when I saw the headlines in the paper,  I let out a little whimper which quickly became a sob …. there I was in the middle of the shop crying.  I was so angry- it made my blood boil. What kind of world are we living in?

Today I have been feeling stronger, I am the first one to admit that the last 17 weeks have been no bundle of laughs,  it has simply been the hardest time of my life.thought I knew what I was letting myself in for. Each day presents a new challenge and a new way of looking at things.  Today I am different from the person I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be different again.

Tonight I went to fat fighters (no the consultant isn’t Margy!)  Am thrilled to say 2 lbs to go and I am pre op weight!,  during group a lady announced in a delighted manner that she had something exciting to tell us all. I must have  a sixth sense ,  because the moment she said it my stomach just flipped,  I knew she was going to say she was pregnant.  Of course what else would she say.  If it was me I would be beaming from ear to ear….. only I know it will never be me announcing that I am pregnant.  For10 minutes she proceeded to chat with our consultant about whether she would or wouldn’t continue with fat fighters – something that she had a right to do.  But I wanted to get a big fat wet fish and slap her hard around the face!  A friend who like me is unable to carry a child tried her hardest not to cry,  we sat together trying to ignore the conversation.  Honestly I know she didn’t do it on purpose but she went on and on and on.  My friend eventually left the room and took some time out away from what was being said. When I got home tonight I allowed myself to empty my body of all emotion – how can you cry so much for something that you never had!

Today for me had been a good day, I felt good,  I finished an essay today for uni and was feeling okay about things – even had a chat with a colleague about my return to work.  But this has floored me again.

I have stopped watching TV because every advert has a child and its Mum with every other advert being Clear Blue, I never watched many soaps but every damned programme has someone pregnant or a baby in it.  It’s everywhere and I am fed up of being reminded.  Am ashamed to say that those friends on Facebook who put their scan on their profile or continuous pictures on their walls of their new-born are well and truly hidden from my news feed. I am really pleased for them but I don’t want to know. Anger is not a natural emotion for me, but anger is something that is certainly being channeled by me now.

A friend who has a child said to me something like , I know this is painful but you just have to move on.  You know what , yes it is painful, I am moving on but this is never gonna change for me now,  I have to let myself deal with each hurdle as they present themselves and if that means I talk about it and tell people it hurts , than so be it – I am not going to hide it.  Infertility has made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, barren & less of a woman – I know these things are untrue but it’s what I feel. Infertility sucks and it hurts like hell. A lady came to see the both of us at the end of the group and asked if we were okay, we just said yes – in future if anyone asks me I am going to tell them, actually no  I am not okay that I can’t have children and why,  not because I need them to know my story but because they are bound to know another lady within their life who is also infertile.  It’s such a lonely place to be and people need to know how silent and lonely it is – maybe by telling people then those who are isolated and alone will get some support to help them through.

I can’t hide from the reality that life goes on and people will keep having babies,  they will keep announcing their pregnancies and I will still see women everywhere with that bump.  The bump that means they are part of the club that I never will be.

Through the immense sadness I wonder what that means for me , what is waiting for me in my life – it can’t be consumed with my grieving for motherhood there must be more and I know there will be when I am ready to find it.

Nite nite
Endosister Liz

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Roses of Endometriosis

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