myendojourney

Week seventeen – silent infertility

Posted on: July 8, 2011


Week seventeen – silent infertility

Have been reflecting on last nights post and I just wanted to say how lucky I am that my infertility is no longer silent.  For many years we both lived with the grief of our miscarriages and infertility silently – it took us some time to tell family and friends that we had experienced miscarriages.  You don’t tell people with the first one or the second one for that matter –  we are all told that its so common, it happens to so many people, something like 1 in 5 pregnancies result in an early miscarriage.

If you are still reading my blog then it is likely that you are experiencing a journey similar to mine – no one is really interested in listening or reading a story unless it is personal to them.  Sadly we aren’t the ones that need to have awareness of the pain that infertility causes,  its people around us.  The ones that say ‘oh never mind next time you’ll be lucky’  or ‘if you are that desperate for kids I’ll lend you one of mine’  comments like these are a complete disregard for the emotional turmoil that you are going through.  How condesending! (and breathe rant over ……)

Anyhow the reason I started writing this morning was because my friend last night still lives with silent infertility,  neither her nor her husband talk about why they dont have children, they live with the pain, burden and guilt.  This pain and guilt resonates within every aspect of your life.  I am fortunate that now my barron status is out there – most people know that I had to go through a barbaric procedure that ripped out the core of what I feel defined me as a woman.  I was infertile with my womb and I am infertile without it – the status quo hasn’t changed but what has changed for me is that I have not got the hope that I once had, the hope that my period wouldn’d show and that this time I would get a blue line that would stay , not one that would disappear along with my hopes, dreams and love that I felt albeit for a short amount of time.  Today (tomorrow could be different) I am glad that my hope has gone, that the torture that I would endure every month, the sense of loss I would feel when my period showed – even if I wasnt pregnant I still mourned the loss of the egg (sad I know).  I saw last night in my friend a reflection of myself a few years back , the yearning and the hope …… I could not have carried on like that and as painful as it is I am fortunate that I can be open with my hurt.  This blog gives me a place to vent and to say how I feel if you judge me for it then please stop reading,  this is me and how I see it.  This is my journey.

Women who are childless are in the minority – most women my age have children or are planning to have children in the coming years.  It is only recently that I have begun observing how differently my life is panning out – not just in the obvious way.  Take work for example personally I have been expected to work school holidays, evenings and christmas because I don’t have children so no one is waiting for me. I feel a pressure that I need to succeed in a career as I am not succeeding with motherhood (this is internal but it feels like a pressure).  Part of the reason I registered for my degree was that I felt if I couldnt have a family I needed something else to focus on.  I have loved doing it and it has made me a better person – I will graduate this year and the sense of achievement I feel is immense.

Something else I have noticed is how my friendship circle is forming,  apart from my immediate beautiful friendship with Linda and some recently formed bonds with Endosisters such as Jacqui and Jayne the majority of my friends are older ladies,  some of whom are childless or whose children are grown up and have moved away. This is not concious but there is a concious effort within me to be more selective of who I spend my time with.

As a woman whether you want a family or not in your 20’s there is an expectation you will settle down, your 30’s the pressure is on to not leave it too late, women who don’t have children are I believe marjinalised – everything you do in life is set up for families,  supermarkets may as well be called 2.4 children r us.   Women are defined by motherhood and its existence.

I have never ever taken the easy option, if there was something that needed doing my father would always say I took the hard route.  So I guess this continues to be my challenge – I will not be defined by motherhood I will be defined by being a woman,  I just have to find her first.

Lots of love

Endosister Liz

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Roses of Endometriosis

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