myendojourney

Week twenty

Posted on: August 8, 2011


Week twenty

Have just had a much needed break from reality with my darling husband Duncan.  We went on a bit of a road trip,  a week of total isolation and seclusion followed by a few days in our beloved VW.

One thing that struck me on holiday was that we cut  solitary figures on the landscape of families holidaying together.  Due to DH’s job we have to go away in school holidays which means we were surrounded by children, babies, pregnant women and families.  Whilst I am considering starting a petition to ban pregnant women from public places one day a week I don’t think we’d get much support! It didn’t ruin our break but being alone together for a long period of time, having fun and watching families have fun together really brings it home.  I watched DH a few times,  I could see him watching a Dad teach his daughter to surf,  it broke my heart.  Later on that evening we spoke of how it had made him feel.  We talked about our pressure points, the ones that hurt like hell. Mine currently is pregnant women, I seem to be allergic to them and get this urge to run as fast as possible.  For DH his pressure point is watching young children be taught things by their Dad, whether its riding a bike, sledge or on this occasion surf board.  DH is a patient and kind man, one who would make a fantastic supportive and loving father.  He too felt that we stuck out on this crowded beach with a beacon announcing ‘Over here thats where they are …. you know the childless ones’.  Of course there is a flip side,  everyday we ate out at lunchtime – not burger bars either,  we enjoyed nice food and the company of each other.

DH and I were able to talk in part about where we are both at currently with this journey.  What I had not realised is how much I have changed as a person , I mean I knew I had changed but the outside world sees a different part of me to what I feel internally.  DH spoke of how different I had been as his wife throughout the whole fertility journey, he hated watching the physical and emotional toll that Endometriosis laid on me.  How he hated seeing me pumped full of  drugs which at times turned me in to a hormonally charged maniac.  I never realised what egg shells he lived on,  never knowing which wife was going to come home from work or how this wife would react to the smallest of things.  It was so beautiful to hear that he loves me more now than ever and he loved getting to know the new Liz.  It was also painful to hear his take on how the treatment affected his life too.  I love him deeply, I love him so much that love seems too mild a word,  its more than love.  He knows me more than I know myself and if he is learning who the new me is still , no wonder I am floundering with it too.

A close family member whilst we were away asked me what the purpose was now of my life,  I was dumbfounded because I really don’t know,  the chapter has been started but the pages are blank.

Throughout the last 20 weeks I have hit my emotions head on.  There are so many facets to coping and living with infertility.  Logically I understand this and as you know have written about it on here copious amounts of times,  yet I am tired of this treadmill.  I need to move on and begin fully appreciating what new life is rolling out infront of us.  Whilst there are some huge advantages to being childless the huge hole in my heart is aching and needs some comforting.  There is no doubt that the counseling I have had has helped me to be as strong as I am today, but my weariness is around the fact that the reality doesn’t change, just like the sun comes up in the morning and goes down at night.  I am infertile. I will always be infertile,  I bear the survival scars.  Whilst I am hugely proud of how far I have come,  I grow impatient at the monotonous pain and the  journey that lays infront of me.

I have always tried to be positive and look for the silver linings,  yet now as I write this I am starting to wonder if I am so tired of living with infertility and not letting it consume my life that actually maybe its become a fulfilling prophecy and indeed it is winning. Whilst friends and family have been fantastic I can see that they are tiring of asking how I am feeling today , not really wanting me to say ‘do you know what this hurts like hell’ .

Who knows – if this came with an instruction manual then I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

Kind regards

EndosisterLiz

 

 

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Roses of Endometriosis

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