Mourning for what

Posted on: October 9, 2011

Week thirty – Mourning for what

Having been back at work now for 6 weeks, life is starting to settle down.  Rather than facing surgery it is in my past. Each day that passes is a day that puts time between me and what was.  Returning to life is harder than I had imagined.  There is a huge part of me that continues to mourn the mother in me,  I mourn the babies that I loved, the blue lines that we have loved so desperately and then lost. You know that feeling when you have a heavy heart , the one that you get when you have been dumped or when you think something bad is about to happen? Like you have scratched your parents car and havent told them? You know that it is not possible to turn back time, you know that there is nothing you can do to alter what has happened.  You know that you will feel bad and hurt for  as long as it takes to recover from whatever has happened.

When I allow myself to feel the hurt it consumes me. At times I allow myself to imagine myself as a mother,  to feel – or imagine the love that comes with it.  The warmth and fulfillment that gives me an amazing feeling of contentment.  I don’t care that this may not be the reality. All I can do is romanticize what it may have been like.  I can only ponder now – there is no going back.  The door to my fertility is closed.

So who am I now, who or what am I to become, will I ever feel complete? Will I ever live without the physical and emotional pain that endometriosis has left me with? I can’t answer that.  I know that I have changed beyond all recognition. I am less tolerant I hope this comes across as more assertive.  I am inpatient of others who wish to talk incessantly about their off spring or those who are desperately over the moon at their impending parenthood.  Is it wrong of me to be cross and resentful of their happiness?

No I don’t want to know what names you are choosing, how many weeks you have to go or what you hope little Jonny will do in his life. Because frankly its too painful and I would rather appear rude and not interested than allow myself to be inflicted with the pain that comes with me being interested. Because you will go home to your hopes and dreams and mine ……. mine are empty and I am still forming what my new ones will be.

People tell me that its still early days and that I need time to adjust – yes maybe that is true.  Coming to terms with infertility is like a bereavement. It will always be part of me.  Only a few weeks ago my wonderful Mother in law and I were shopping for a birthday card for my nephew.  I wanted to check his age to which MIL said he was born in 2005,  my stomach did a somersault, suddenly all I could think was that had we not lost a baby at the end of 2004 we would now have a 5 year old.  I proceeded to walk around Tescos in tears.  I was unable to explain it to my MIL , I felt like I wanted the whole world to swallow me up.  It felt like I had just miscarried – all of those emotions erupted and to be honest it took me days to get over.

My story is what makes me who I am, and as each day passes I am sure I will get stronger.

Endosister Liz





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Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

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