myendojourney

Week twenty six – end of an era

Posted on: October 9, 2011


Week twenty six – end of an era

Not only is it our wedding anniversary this week I have also taken my final exam for my degree. It seems so weird to write that sentence.  Studying has been my savior over the past 4-5 years. Its given me a reason , a purpose, a goal.  Studying has been so far removed from all of the crap that goes with infertility and endometrosis.

Throughout the miscarriages, treatment, ops and emotional turmoil,  I could always lose myself in a book.

To be at the end of my studies feels amazing – to know within 2 weeks I will have a grade,  and then graduate in November is simply incredible.

I remember the first day at Uni,   I cried when I walked up the steps in to the uni building.  So overwhelmed that I was actually studying for a degree – something  that I had wanted to do for a very long time.  Studying as a mature student means so much more than it would have done if I had gone to uni as an 18 year old.  There is no doubt in my mind that my thirst for learning and need to achieve a good grade has got me through the past few years. Failure is something that could not be contemplated the first time I achieved a 1st in an essay,  not only was I amazed that I had got top marks in something  , I learned that for the first time in my life , my degree was within reach ….. and that it would be a good degree…… not just a pass.

I may have failed to have a baby, to fulfill the most natural thing a woman can do, but there is no way that I would fail in my quest to have a degree.

Whilst now I can celebrate this as a triumph, there have been times when I have tortured myself for having the opportunity to study.  Comments like ‘if I were a Mum I wouldn’t be doing this’  have become second nature.  Yet I do not want to live my life not experiencing things because of what may have been.

The decision to embark on a degree had been partly fueled  as a condition of employment was the commitment to study at degree level.  Yet  I felt and still do feel  immensely guilty for working at the level I do and for then studying. Often reproaching myself for having these opportunities, wondering whether it was my punishment for not being able to have a baby. Something I will never know is whether if I  had children the way I had dreamed …… would I still be working at the level I do….. and would I have studied….. I like to think it would be a yes , but maybe I’ll find out in my next lifetime.

Watch this space for my results

Endosister Liz xxx

 

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Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

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