Our bubble

Posted on: November 24, 2011

Week forty

I have been away visiting family and friends,  Duncan has taken this time as the idea opportunity to start doing some much needed house renovation.

Our home is a bungalow;  the beauty of living in a bunglow is that many rooms are more versile with their uses than they would be in a house. We moved in to our home 7 years ago (its a major project – probably a bit of an understatement!)  But as with many people when they buy a house you consider what your living needs will be whilst living within those walls.

Earmarked from the outset was the room that would eventually become a nursery, a place that would be our sanctuary from the world. Where stories would be read, cries soothed and love given in abundance.

Conversations over the last few months have related to how we can start building our future. Move ourselves on from bereavement and the sadness that has covered us like a superking duvet.

Radically we agreed that the two backrooms (one of which was our rather small bedroom and the ‘nursery’) along with a rather silly hallway should be knocked through to create a large bedroom for us.  Of course Duncan suggested doing this about 4 years ago, but me being me and not wanting to give up on our dream of having children created obstacle after obstacle preventing Duncan from starting.  Of course some of these obstacles were genuine such as lack of money and the little fact of me studying for a degree. But even still they were obstacles that blocked us from moving on.  I recognise that I did not help lessen the obstacles, driven by the hope that maybe just maybe we would have a baby.

Stage one was turning our dining room (my study) into a bedroom.  Before I went to stay with family we together moved our bedroom into the new spare room.  Autumn cleaning (like spring cleaning) clearing out of all kinds of junk that you accumalate overtime. Its crazy , before my op I spent weeks clearing out junk and sorting paperwork but somehow it had built up again very quickly.  It was quite a spiritual process moving from our old room in to the newly decorated room.  We both cried at the end of the day.  Not just because we were knackered but because it felt like for the first time in such a long while we were putting ourselves and our needs first; stepping towards the future. 

Knocking down the walls has not just about breaking down the physical structure that would have been our family sanctury; we are changing our bungalow into our home for the future not one that lives in the past.   It is going to take us weeks to make the room good enough for our new haven,  but we are both so excited about our new bedroom, bed, curtains and carpet (although I have been made to promise he will not be subjected to scatter cushions). To either of us time is not important,  time is something we have on our side now,  we know its just gonna be the two of us, we know that this is not going to change and we also know that we want to continue to get to know eachother post hysterectomy.  Our fertility journey has changed us beyond recognition.  It has fortunatley helped us to have a fantastic relationship.  Redecorating and planning what our home will be like is similar to falling in love again,  my heart flips when I imagine how it will be,  my stomach feels happy when I know that sharing it with me will be Duncan.

Duncan tellingly remarked that for him living with Endometriosis and Infertility has been like ‘living in a bubble, neither looking back, forward or anywhere; almost just looking at our feet marking time’.  For Duncan demolishing and decorating our home is something he can do,  physical evidence that we are doing all we can to put the past behind us. For years Duncan has felt helpless, unable to do anything other than hold me and wipe away the countless tears. Changing the environment within which we live is actually something that he can put his mark on; a way that we can begin to look forward together.

Thank you Duncan – thank you for all that you do and for being with me in our bubble

Endosister Liz


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Roses of Endometriosis

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