Floored when you least expect it

Posted on: November 28, 2011

Week forty one

I am missing some blogs but I promise to catch up,  there is a pressing need within me to blog tonight and I know that if I leave it till tomorrow my post will not be the same. As I write tonight the emotion which sits deep within me is bubbling over.  Through writing on here I am able to express my many emotions – am given the freedom to sing, shout, laugh or cry.  Knowing that those who read my blog do so because they are interested in my journey, perhaps because they to are facing or have faced similar challenges.  At times I get a little freaked or concerned that my blog may be too indulgent or too depressing.

Look away now if you feel the latter.

Today I have been completely floored,  my legs have been hit away from under me and I have landed well and truely on my ass with a big thud. The kind of thud that takes your breath away and makes you sob as if it is coming from your toe nails, up through your body until suddenly you release the pain you feel with a wail and a sob.

One of my closest friends announced she is pregnant. I knew she was pregnant weeks ago,  not because I am psychic but because she has not returned my calls or texts for over 2 months. There is only one reason for people ignoring us these days (unless we have pissed them off!); people ignore us because of how they feel about our infertility.

Whilst we are of course over joyed for them , it has hit me like a lead balloon. The tears this morning were more like tsunamis of emotion.  Silence followed by a swelling that just could not be controlled.  Tonight I feel like a over wrung flannel that is floppy with nothing else left. My head is pounding and sleep is beginning to becon me.  I just hope that it wraps me up and gives me some respite from what has been a horrible day.

Infertility is not regarded by all as grief, its hidden pain – people don’t know how to cope so they talk around it. I am shocked by the verocity of my feelings today, a beautiful friend summed it up for me by saying that if someone’s loved one had died and some months later something triggered their grief and they broke down, you would think that was perfectly natural, wouldn’t you?  Even it it was some years later, you’d still think it was understandable.  What I am experiencing is the same – the grief that I feel is the death of my dreams of being a mother and for the life that I had planned.

I never wanted a big family, just one baby would have been enough – I am not selfish,  just full of love, my arms are empty and my heart aches.

Somehow tomorrow morning I will embrace the day and the new life that lays ahead of me – small steps , baby steps (ironically), as I begin to pick  myself up from todays emotions and put myself back together.

love to you all

Endosister Liz


2 Responses to "Floored when you least expect it"

Im in the same boat, my best friend since school just announced she is 14 weeks pregnant with her 4th baby.I try to be happy for her to her face, but when im on my own im in floods of tears.
I know how you feel, your not on your own sweetheart. xxxxxx

my dear girls………… grief has no time limit, definitely no manual nor instruction guidance is ever supplied. Anger, disbelief, sheer and unutterable rage at the massive unfairness of the cards dealt is totally understandable. Platitudes are inane words but all that others can offer because that is all anyone ever has. I send you – for what it’s worth – the biggest hug and my supporting tears. I too say YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! even though it must feel like it…………..take care

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Roses of Endometriosis

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