myendojourney

finding the woman within

Posted on: December 1, 2011


My last blog was an avenue for me to vent and express the sorrow that sits within me. Writing has become part of my healing process. Metaphorically it can be likened to the ocean and every so often like a whale I surface to take breath, express water or just look at the world before me in a different light.

Today I resurfaced to the world, yesterday I hid away, too fragile to see people or be seen out in public.  This was a huge thing for me.  Throughout my illness, fertility journey or the losses of our precious babies taking to my bed was seldom an option. In fact emotionally I was too afraid to hide away; fearful that by hiding I would be giving in to something – almost as if I would be admitting defeat.  Surely by admitting defeat it would mean that on some level I had failed.  Some where, some how the illness and my inability to have a child had won.

As a child I remember my Mum telling me that she believed we were all born with a timetable; where our lives were already laid out for us.  We would make choices along the way but ultimately we would get where we are intended to eventually.  I remember marveling at this concept, naively imagining my school timetable and thinking – Damn that’s one hell of a piece of paper! I can even envisage the crossings out and highlighted parts on my timetable (anally retentive from an early age). If you are someone who believes that things happen for a reason then you may take comfort from knowing fate is already mapped out. I understand that I made a pact with my soul to walk this pathway within my lifetime. A belief that lays within me is that we are here to learn each lifetime; my pathway laden with lessons for me to learn.  I don’t really understand it ….. I just get it if that makes sense

One advantage to working so far from home is that in my drive to and from work I am able to ponder things. I am beginning to understand that I need to unpick the relationship I have with myself. I perpetually apologise for who I am and how I feel.  Questioning whether it is actually okay for me to be angry, frustrated, happy or sad.  Even typing these words makes me feel like it’s an admission of failure.

I wonder whether my quest to find the woman within will ever be truly satisfied in this lifetime – for me a woman is defined by being a mother.  What are you if you don’t have children?

Last night I said to my father in law that I was scared that in years to come people would remember me as the woman who never got over the fact she couldn’t have children. The anxiety that I could feel was very real. His response was lovely ,  just simply saying  ‘you will never get over it, how can you!. His words make sense to me yet I still feel this pull towards wanting to wake up tomorrow and be over it, be free of the shackles that hold me back.

I need to find the woman within, I want to be able to look at my physical self in the mirror and not feel let down by what I am. I want to get to know her and understand what steps we are going to take together. I thought I had begun to understand this but I guess I am respectfully learning that my infertile stage is still early days.  As I approach the end of this year I can reflect back and marvel at the huge journey behind me and begin to embrace the future that lays ahead.

Kind regards

Endosister Liz xxx

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1 Response to "finding the woman within"

Some journeys – in fact ANY journey has ups and downs, twists and turns with many false starts, blind alleys, problems to face and just plain awful things to cope with. I still feel that somewhere – there is a greater intelligence that maps out the general lifeplan of we mere humans. We just raise our capabiities to face this gameplan far beyond whatever we feel we can achieve. Your own journey has already taken you such a long long way from the original layout that has made you into the beautiful person that you are today. You are a wonderful young lady and a great many people are so very proud of you. But none more so than me and your Dad. The future every day is a new page on which you write so clearly – keep it up.

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Roses of Endometriosis

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