learning to manage infertility and anger

Posted on: December 7, 2011

Week forty two

Its been a funny old week this one,  seem to have been stuck in a state of emotional distress relating to the announcements of yet more pregnancies within my circle of friends.  Obviously any announcement pangs away at my heart, but for some reason at the moment the pang is more than normal. Perhaps its amplified by the time of year,  or perhaps its just a phase I am going through. Tears come easily as if the tap is being turned on to a heavy flow.

At work I am surrounded by children, young people & families.  Mostly I am able to manage this – almost becoming an actress reprising her role each morning when applying make up.   Of course there are days when things just don’t come together, lines are forgotten or make up is not applied. Like last Monday today was a bad script day, my emotions like the tears have been free-flowing with anger bubbling away.

Poor Duncan has been bearing the brunt of my anger – anyone who knows me will I hope testify that I am not by nature an angry person.  Rarely do I flare up (especially now I am minus my ovaries),  but this week I could simply floor someone – I wish I knew how to punch because I feel like kicking the crap out of a boxing bag.

I am so tired of walking around with this constant feeling of grief.  Whilst I acknowledge that it’s all part of the healing process when will it end?

How do you begin to manage this I wonder?

Realisation is dawning – there will never be a day when I am  ‘okay’ with my  infertile state.  I understand that part of this path is learning to manage and cope with the place I find myself.

Perhaps by recognising my distressed state last week – allowing myself to stay at home and hide from the world. Shopping?  some form of retail therapy …… I did wonder whether with each announcement I could buy myself a new pair of shoes ….. sadly with the rate my friends are falling pregnant at the moment I would never be able to keep up!

Friends are trying to protect us from their announcements – hide their excitement or just avoid contacting us.  This is of course one coping strategy  for them; but not for us.  How can you hide  a pregnancy, baby, toddler etc?  are you going to ignore us through out the child’s life?  If so we’ll see you in 20+ years when they are at uni!

Whilst I wish that people did not feel the need to ignore or hide from us I do understand how hard it must be for them.  It’s like a bereavement – people cross the street, look at their feet….. do anything to avoid contact with you.

In many ways the way we feel is similar – I am officially allergic to pregnant women and babies ,  honestly they bring me out in hives!  I don’t want to be near or talking to a woman who is ‘with child’  even their smell gets up my nose…… Of course I get that this is psycho-schematic,  but the nausea I get is very real. Not so much with women in the early stages of pregnancy, it’s those who have a pregnancy nearing its end.  Pregnant women are radiant,  blooming is I believe the phrase.  I see them, in all their glory and I feel an urge to run.  Of course its because  I want to be like that, I want to caress my tummy and talk lovingly to my baby – I don’t care about the stretch marks, morning sickness, sleepless nights etc. You would never hear me complaining.

The sadness I feel knowing I will never experience this miracle is immense.  It consumes me and at times tears my heart apart. To manage this grief, we remove ourselves at all cost from situations that may bring these emotions to the surface.  Yet I am questioning why and for whose benefit?

It surely can’t be for my benefit as it doesn’t change how I feel it just diverts it,  perhaps we do it to save ‘face’ so that others around us are not having to put their happiness to one side and consider our feelings.

Oh my god this is so complicated – so many different levels,  each day can be so different,  never able to plan or prepare for what may or may not happen the next day.  Tomorrow is another day and the emotions I have given today will be different tomorrow and perhaps not so consuming.

I am not one for giving up – I will win the battle to manage how I cope daily with my infertility.

For now I will sleep,  conserve the energy that I need for the next day that lays ahead of me.

Nite nite

Endosister Liz


2 Responses to "learning to manage infertility and anger"

Liz. I totally understand how you feel. I think this time of year also doesnt help. Dont be hard on yourself. L x

thanks Lesley – I really hope you are keeping okay – let me know how you get on honey. Some days it just feels like groundhog day 😦 xxx

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