The 2 c’s Christmas and Childlessness

Posted on: January 2, 2012

I wrote this blog whilst sat on a train whilst traveling to spend time with my family at Christmas. Apologies for its lateness but Christmas has been a funny time and I have had little time to access a computer.


Christmas is about children; everywhere you look there are signals to the baron woman that this festive season stems from the celebration of the birth of Christ to the virgin Mary.

I am not a religious person – I consider myself as more spiritually aware than a practicing christian.  I have a firm belief that everything happens for a reason; its all part of life’s plan.  I have a belief that as I entered this life i made a deal that there were lessons I needed to learn.

I have always loved christmas but this year my heart and head have struggled. So many emotions, tied up with reflecting on the year that has passed; grief for what we have lost – even if we never had it to start with.  Our hopes and dreams are having to change – but I am surrounded by announcements of pregnancies a constant reminder of what we cannot have.

We are spending Christmas with our families.  My brother & his wife are traveling over from Spain with their new son for his first Christmas. We agreed to stay together in a cottage about 5 miles from our parents some months ago.   Making this booking in the Summer I was post op and optimistic that there would be an end to the mental pain of childlessness.  In my naievity imagining that one day I would wake up and be okay with it.  Now my understanding has matured and I get that I will never be over it – as you will know from reading my blog its about learning to manage it from here.


How do  I feel about Christmas?  honestly am terrified …… I am dreading it ….. D and I have both looked for reasons to cancel going in the past few weeks.  If you had cut yourself would you pour salt in to the wound? No of course not because it would hurt.

Yet we both don’t want to miss out on being Auntie Bizzie and Uncle Duncan.

Sometimes we just have to face these things head on and hope that when it happens it won’t be as bad as you thought it would be

I love Eric, Gemma, Phil and the rest of my family to eternity and back again my reason for going is this love and determination to not let this pain consume me.  One step forward and three back is still progress even if its small.

Merry Christmas to you all

Endosister Liz



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