myendojourney

Where we go from here

Posted on: February 13, 2012


11 months on and at times I feel like I am no further forward with my acceptance or recovery.

Making decisions about your future seem so mammoth when the future you had planned has been snatched away from you.  A huge part of me is still in shock that I can’t have children.  My default thought position gives me fleeting seconds where I get  a glimpse of a dream, then reality kicks in and I remember.

For example I still get a momentary ‘panic’ when Duncan and I are in the throws of intimacy;  wondering do we need to be careful, have we got anything?  then reality kicks in and I remember that we don’t need to be careful now.

One of the most important lessons I am learning from this at the moment is that if I am struggling still with who I am now than Duncan is too.

We both feel it at different times and we both show it in different ways.  Yet it is so important that we check with each other along the way that we are heading in the same direction. You would think that now the horse has bolted (so to speak) that this would not need to happen;  in my naivety I believed that once we were this side of the fence looking back would be seldom.  However the mind plays cruel tricks. Parenthood for both of us was something we never questioned. Of course we would make fab parents so why wouldn’t we have an easy right of passage through?  Surely this happens to other people?

Whilst I take strength from the reality I find myself in,  the reminders of what we have lost are constant – like the rain that persists and won’t go away.

Duncan and I have spent time talking about adoption;  neither of us feel strong enough to face another potential rejection, 3 is surely enough.  The signals are there for us loud and clear – we are not meant to be parents.  Yet I question at times if its something we want that strongly why haven’t I got the fight in me to argue against the system and prepare myself for potential rejection? Duncan simply put it yesterday that 10 years of fighting is enough; now its time to have define our new life.  We both regret that we aren’t parents; we regret that this didn’t happen 6 or so years ago.  That my gynecologists didn’t take my symptoms seriously enough earlier – had I have realised what would happen than I would have pushed for my op along time ago.  The time lapse means that the 10 years that passed have also added years to us.  Duncan is ‘maturer’ than me by 8 years.  We have to consider that even if we are accepted to start the adoption programme later on this year it will be 2-3 years before a child is placed with us.  A child is for life and by the time he or she reached uni Duncan would be in his early 60’s. Yes this isn’t old but it has to be a consideration.

On our side of the fence it seems so easy for those who get pregnant at the drop of  a hat.  Once you are pregnant the decision is made for you; your fate is sealed. Infertility is more complex,  making a decision to start a family when you need a third party is complex and so full of challenges.  Whether you consider surrogacy or adoption.

Duncan and I will continue to check with each other along the way.  For the moment though we will never be happy about our situation; it will always be our biggest regret.  Our only marker is that it doesn’t feel wrong to not push to be accepted to begin the scrutiny of adoption.

Regards
Endosister Liz

 

 

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2 Responses to "Where we go from here"

I think it’s normal, & also why people define themselves as childless not childfree, as I think it’s part of the grieving process, because grieving for a future you thought you would have is normal. 11 months on from a 10 year dream is a short period.
To me it sounds like you are doing fine, I get the feeling on adoption & parenthood & it is soooooooooo much more complicated than that.
Take care & keep talking x

Thank you blonde girl

You are absolutely right; this is something I hadn’t really thought about before. You are right it is more complicated and in time I am sure I will share it with those reading my blog. There are so many twists and turns, the ones I face today twist differently to the ones that existed the day before. We all walk a windy road to get to our end destination. I wish you well xxx

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Roses of Endometriosis

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