Hysterversary Eve

Posted on: February 28, 2012

Just over a year ago I wrote my first blog,  I vowed to be open and honest about my journey.  My aim was to be informative but factual about the physical recovery following major surgery,  what I didn’t appreciate is what an emotional journey it would be.

When I go back to who I was then to who I am now I hardly recognise myself.  The woman who was too scared to admit how she felt; I had been on a conveyor belt of treatments and surgeries. Then making the ultimate sacrifice in a desperate bid to draw a line and move on. People around me have seen the impact that the last 10 years has had on me – they saw more than I did how I was functioning in a bid to keep some sanity.

Endometriosis is a curse – there is no cure,  nor is there any respite.  It tortures you physically and mentally.  I was in its hold for too long.  It controlled my every move,  crushed my dreams and dictated my life.

Today I have had a strangely emotional day – day wise today is the anniversary of my hysterectomy,  I have remembered much of what happened 365 days ago.  It has been a day for reflection and contemplation – helped  by the fact I have man flu so have been curled up on the sofa.

I have greater understanding now for who I am , less guilt associated with what I cannot do, the choice has been taken away from me, I am no longer hoping for a little accident,  it is only recently that I have realised how free that has made me.  No longer buying pregnancy tests on the off chance there is gonna be a big fat positive (am saving a fortune!).

I never wanted this pathway; for me motherhood was my future.  Looking over my shoulder at who I might have been and the love that I could have shared is not something I am ready to leave behind.  My heartbreaks with every new pregnancy announcement or bloody scan photo loaded on to Facebook.  Jealousy appears for a short while.  This is who I am now,  the woman on the other side of the fence, an empty cradle but a warm heart.

My 11 inch scar will always be a physical reminder of what was removed, my internal emotional scars remind me every minute of every day that my exterior presents feminine but the reality is very different.

‘You think if you got no uterus and breasts, you’re still technically a woman?’ ~Erin Brockovich, the movie

Endosister Liz



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Roses of Endometriosis

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