Hysterversary hysteria

Posted on: March 1, 2012

So there you have it 366 days ago (not forgetting its a leap year this year) I underwent radical surgery in a quest to win some endopendence.

I know you know this because you have been reading for long enough – I know this because I have been living it for what seems like my entire life.  Yet tonight like a tsunami a wave of emotions hit me with one hell of a force.  It seemingly came from know where knocking the feet from beneath me.  Paralysing me until I let go.  My poor husband was left to put me back together.

Through my blog I can verbalise how I feel, by giving my emotions meaning through words.  Yet allowing my guard down enough to let me physically explode is something I havent felt the need to do for some time.  It has been months since I sobbed like an uncontrollable toddler.  I led on our bed with the sobs coming from my toes to my eyes,  Duncan just let me cry.  We talked and shared our fears and feelings.  Oddly enough it was his fault it started.  Simply he remarked at lunchtime how he felt about the surgery, how long it took me to get a diagnosis and how long my recovery has taken me. Duncan is a man of few words; very rarely does he express his deepest feelings. Somehow his verbalisation hit me at my core I busied myself this afternoon (mainly with an irritating phone call to my mobile phone provider) but when he came home I could contain my emotions no more and just sobbed in his arms.  The man who loves me for the woman I am (and am not) held me like his life depended on it.

Therein lies the problem – Duncan sees me as a woman, he loves me and feels that I am beautiful.  We both see something very different.  I struggle with my identity,  I am neither Man nor Woman.  The parts that define me as a woman are missing, apart from my breasts! Yet what use are they,  they are no more than just ornaments on my body, because they will never be used to nurture, feed or soothe a babe.

366 days may have passed but this feeling is as real as the first day I woke minus my womb and my ovaries were absent without leave!

Tomorrow is another day, for tonight I am just going to reflect and allow myself to grieve for the woman I have lost, the mother that never was and the babies I loved but never met.


Endosister Liz



2 Responses to "Hysterversary hysteria"

I normally don’t make comments, but your grief touched me and I can’t seem to let it go. I had my edno surgery( stage IV) last Sept. I was able to keep one ovary, but not without a fight and finding a Dr who was understanding. I can’t begin to imagine your grief. My husband and I chose not to have children because we have severe mental illness and autoimmune diseases on both sides of our family.
I imagine it is more difficult when the decision is taken away from you. You feel out of control and no longer in control of your own destiny. That is a lot to grieve. But you do need to allow yourself to grieve or you will never be able to go forward. If you haven’t read Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief when you feel like it you should. Also Brene Brown on shame, she has an amazing talk on TED talks.
Just one more thing, while sex is biological based, gender is a social construct. While this is hotly debated in many circles, I find very liberating.
Peace & love

hi Kimberley – what an incredible woman you are – thank you for dropping by and saying hello , your thoughts are incredibly touching. I don’t think there is ever an easy way to be in the place we all are. Everyone reading my blog has some strong connection with Endometriosis.
I will definitely look in to the names you have mentioned , this is really helpful.
You are so right about the social construct. Reproduction is built within you like breathing. I am beginning to understand that the bones of me needs to be a mum not just my brain!
I look forward to the debate
Thanks once again
Endosister Liz xxxx

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