Finding me

Posted on: October 8, 2012

Finding me

Wow its been so long since I posted on here,  March was the last time.  So much has happened since then. my blog has had an amazing 8100 hits – many people are following it which tells me that there are ladies out there going through something similar to me.  

Much of what has happened since March I am not ready or not able to post on here, but I wanted to write an overall update of where I am and what has happened in my life. 

Having a hysterectomy and being infertile at 33 was I now realise a huge shock – yes I knew it was coming and I did everything in my power to prepare myself physically and mentally for what was about to happen.  I was unable to prepare myself for life with out my womb …. life without my children ….. life without the dreams I held and life with the menopause.

The last 20 months have without doubt been tough in so many ways,  but I wouldnt say that if given the choice I would reverse where I am.  Physically I have continued to go from strength to strength.  In July I took part in a 10k run for Endometriosis UK raising £400, I could never have undertaken such a challenge. Duncan and I have bought a pushbike each and in the summer we cycled lots.  We have both enjoyed the new found freedom that my hysterectomy has given us.  I am still suffering with endo and adhesion pain but to be honest I am managing that. The menopause is not without its challenges but with the help of an alternative approach I am managing the symptoms in the main. 

The most difficult part of the aftermath of my surgery is I am now incontinent with my bladder.  I can admit it now in public but it has been hugely degrading and quite traumatic.

If I describe the first time it happened in broad daylight I am sure you will laugh as I did after the event.  There I was having just entered the final 1.5k of a 10k run I had undertaken on a Sunday morning when all of a sudden I felt my bladder give way (I don’t get any warning) at first I thought it was only a little wee but then when it creeped past my knees and down to my trainers I knew from the squeltching sounds that it was far more.  It was a hot sunny day and I was suddenly really aware that those passing me would know that I had pee’d myself so I did what an irrational woman would do and tipped the remaining amount in my squash bottle over my ass and my front to try and ‘hide’ the fact I had wet myself.  As I was jogging throwing this over me I suddenly realised that the downside to my plan was that my iphone was in my pocket and was now drenched with water …….. thankfully it was okay but I really should have thought about it before.  By the time I got in the backdoor at home I was hysterical. 

The next day I visited my GP and he has reassured me that this is normal especially for someone who has had the extent of the surgery I have.  The event above was the only time its happened in public,  before its happened as I have exited my car thankfully when I have been at home.  Apparently my brain and the muscles in my bladder arent working together any more.  So now I take medication every day and although I have increased the dose and had a couple of horrible bladder infections I have to be honest and say that I am feeling the benefit.

Other than my dependancy on Tena ladies there has also been a huge transition in the way I see myself and my position in the universe.

I have been having CBT since June time after having been on the waiting list for some time.  Its timing on reflection was perfect. Having this time for me made me see how stuck I had become with the thoughts and feelings that had been paralysing me.

These thoughts constitute some of the below

Who am I? …… What am I ?….. am I a woman?  …… what do people think of me because I haven’t got children?……

and ultimatley …. what do I do now?

Throughout my CBT sessions I have learned to understand that who I am is me …………. I am no more or less a woman – even if I don’t feel inside like I am.  The pressure that I have put myself under because I have failed to be a mother has been immense.  I am beginning to understand the impact this has had on me and the relationship I have had with myself.  The burden and extent of my guilt I will share with you but a piece at a time.

I am not clear what impact societial expectations has had – but that is of no relevance really. Its the pressure that I have put on myself that I am beginning to understand and its the changes within me that alter how I now deal with situations that cause me pain that matters. 

Infertility is a life sentance but it doesnt have to be a stick that I continue to beat myself with.  Yes I am infertile, Yes I can’t change it, Yes I would if I could but I can’t.  As my life evolves I will move through stages that see me cope with this better than other times.  My darling husband will cope with it at times better than he does at others.  I think I was waiting for the pain to go, but I now understand that the pain won’t go, I will just learn to live with it.  I am learning to live with it and I am also learning how to manage the pain.

So where ever you are, what ever stage you are at – hang on in there and know that you aren’t on your own.

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Roses of Endometriosis

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