‘Just adopt’

Posted on: May 4, 2013

Just adopt they say ……

I stumbled across a fantastic support forum for infertile women called Gateway – give them a search on facebook or google.  A recent article they shared has in part inspired this blog which I have been writing for some days.

I talked before about the options available for a woman like me, a couple like us – barren, infertile, with loving warm hearts and an empty nest.

2 options are available to us now Adoption or Surrogacy.

Adoption – a forever family

Adoption is forever in the news, you hear all the time the statistics talking about how many children there are looking for new homes.  Children who are for a variety of reasons unable to reside with their biological parents.

The media recently have been focusing more and more on the assessment process for prospective adoptive parents.

When you are childless not by choice there is a social stigma attached, this is without considering the stigma that you attach to yourself for being unable to fulfil a primary function of life.

Duncan and I have embarked on the journey that surrounds adoption on three occassions. Three times we (well okay I) picked up the phone to make the call without ever saying to the person asking the questions ‘okay , come on then – come and judge me’

Our journeys each time were very short lived but each one that bit more traumatic.

We were rejected primarily because I work with vulnerable children and at the time it was deemed a conflict of interest because of the geographical area I lived and worked in.  Now I wish I had objected and kicked up a fuss.  If I had, 5 years on we could have been parents. I cant think about the children who may not have got a placement.

The second time we went to a different authority. Sadly the recession started kicking off and Duncan was made redundant.  In the world of adoption they will not consider you if there is a significant change happening in your world, because of course major things dont happen to people when they are pregnant ….. do they!

The third time we had got past the second hurdle when my health needs over took. Yet again we were asked to stop our process and return in 2 years, as this was deemed the appropriate amount of time for us to have dealt with the trauma of major surgery.

I dont wish to focus on why we weren’t good enough. We are where we are and nothing can change that. However I am not able to ignore the multitude of feelings that surround the whole process.

We never set out to have such a messy time of trying to be parents. Once it became apparent that my body was nothing short of useless with pregnancies , being solution focused I naturally went towards adoption. Duncan took a little time to warm to the idea – he never gave up hope that we would get our little miracle.

Making that initial phone call to express your interest is nothing short of harrowing. I would imagine that if adoption teams looked at how they recruit many would have similar stories to tell.

I suppose what I find hard is that there is a belief that there are lots of children desperatley wanting a new home,  this is a true fact.

The opposite to this is that the process to get through each hurdle set infront of you is huge, scary, bumpy and invasive.

People who commit to adoption know that it is not replacing their loss of being able to have a biological child. it is an opportunity to nurture, love and support a child who may learn to love them as their parents and as they are too loved in return.

Idealistic I know

I can’t say whether we will ever feel brave enough to make that call again. What I can say though is that if we do they had better be ready for us! Being rejected for adoption was a pain greater than a miscarriage. I could feel, see and imagine each child within the adoption magazine, I wanted to love and hold them – imagine the love you feel for your unborn child in the first scan you have at the hospital, this is the love I felt everytime I saw that blue line and see a childs face for the first time in the magazine they give prospective parents.  Each child there for all to see with a little introduction about who they are and what kind of love they are looking for.

I hate feeling judged for still struggling and grieving for our parenthood and children we never got to meet. Our right of passage has been alternative to say the least – I didn’t plan for it to be this way, there is no instruction manual.

With each pregnancy announcement, or afternoon spent with our godchildren, nieces and nephews we feel that bit more isolated.  Not intentional but we aren’t part of the elite parenting club and sadly its quite lonely where we are.

Lots of love
Endosister Liz


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