Archive for the ‘Coping with infertility’ Category

My last post was about ‘Finding me’

I wrote how I now understood that Infertility is a life sentence but it doesnt have to be a stick that I continue to beat myself with’.  Since writing this in October,  I have been very much a new woman with a new attitude. The combination of CBT and time elapsed through my recovery had seen me move from someone who was lost not quite knowing what life was or should be, my fear of myself was around acceptance.  How could I be a woman with all of my woman parts missing? How could I be a good daughter when I failed to produce a longed for grandchild?  How could I be a wife, lover, friend and partner when I was robbing my husband of the chance to be a father?  Of course the answer is our sole purpose is not just around reproduction, its about being the best person you can be and always being their for others.
Alongside this inner battle the cyclical million dollar question has surfaced time and time again.  Should we look in to other options around becoming parents again?

From speaking to others who have been through similar journeys to ours this question is never really put to bed.  Its always hanging around.

At times it feels like we are self harming, cutting our arms with razor blades and pouring them with salt.  Many of our friends and family have beautiful children, we have some announcements pending,  new babies in the family, toddlers and children.  My twin brother and his beautiful wife had their second child last July, a beautiful girl. We can’t escape this – we can’t change it, I will never have a child with my DNA whatever we do.  This has never bothered me until recently, a small remark noting that my nephew had similar facial features to me.  This planted a seed in my mind and now I find myself having to stop daydreaming – what would a child look like with my DNA.

Of course the upside is I have saved a child from my ducks ass hair line…….my double chin…….. the eyebrows that aren’t quite right and don’t get me started on the shape of my backside………

Duncan and I agreed about the time of our hysterectomy that we would give ourselves time to adjust, be together and get our life back to some semblance of normal before we decided what our next steps would be.

I am writing this in a past tense because as I am sure you understand it would not have been fair to have written about this before now,  whilst I have chosen to make much of my endometriosis story public,  our fertility story belongs to Duncan and I, there are things I am unable to share on here at this time,  but they are no less important and I will bare all in time.

Rather than talk about our decision – too much time is focused on whether we will or we won’t become parents ……. I want to write about why this is not our decision, what hoops you have to go through if you can’t conceive naturally, what costs you need to consider – emotionally and financially.

My next post will cover the options open to women / couples in our position – then I hope you will see what I mean

Hope you are all well

Kind regards
Endosister Liz



Week forty one

I am missing some blogs but I promise to catch up,  there is a pressing need within me to blog tonight and I know that if I leave it till tomorrow my post will not be the same. As I write tonight the emotion which sits deep within me is bubbling over.  Through writing on here I am able to express my many emotions – am given the freedom to sing, shout, laugh or cry.  Knowing that those who read my blog do so because they are interested in my journey, perhaps because they to are facing or have faced similar challenges.  At times I get a little freaked or concerned that my blog may be too indulgent or too depressing.

Look away now if you feel the latter.

Today I have been completely floored,  my legs have been hit away from under me and I have landed well and truely on my ass with a big thud. The kind of thud that takes your breath away and makes you sob as if it is coming from your toe nails, up through your body until suddenly you release the pain you feel with a wail and a sob.

One of my closest friends announced she is pregnant. I knew she was pregnant weeks ago,  not because I am psychic but because she has not returned my calls or texts for over 2 months. There is only one reason for people ignoring us these days (unless we have pissed them off!); people ignore us because of how they feel about our infertility.

Whilst we are of course over joyed for them , it has hit me like a lead balloon. The tears this morning were more like tsunamis of emotion.  Silence followed by a swelling that just could not be controlled.  Tonight I feel like a over wrung flannel that is floppy with nothing else left. My head is pounding and sleep is beginning to becon me.  I just hope that it wraps me up and gives me some respite from what has been a horrible day.

Infertility is not regarded by all as grief, its hidden pain – people don’t know how to cope so they talk around it. I am shocked by the verocity of my feelings today, a beautiful friend summed it up for me by saying that if someone’s loved one had died and some months later something triggered their grief and they broke down, you would think that was perfectly natural, wouldn’t you?  Even it it was some years later, you’d still think it was understandable.  What I am experiencing is the same – the grief that I feel is the death of my dreams of being a mother and for the life that I had planned.

I never wanted a big family, just one baby would have been enough – I am not selfish,  just full of love, my arms are empty and my heart aches.

Somehow tomorrow morning I will embrace the day and the new life that lays ahead of me – small steps , baby steps (ironically), as I begin to pick  myself up from todays emotions and put myself back together.

love to you all

Endosister Liz

Roses of Endometriosis

From the beginning right back to before my operation

Click to view blog entries by day to help you read in order

April 2018
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