myendojourney

Infertility the invisible shadow that follows me

Posted on: September 7, 2014


Hi blog, have been thinking about writing this post for sometime, somehow I just couldn’t find the words.

Have wanted to write about life, and how things are, I desperately want to tell you that I have found inner peace and am finally happy without fulfilling my destiny of motherhood. Yes I am, we are happy as a couple we enjoy being together, we are a family unit of 2……. He is my world, yet not a day goes by where I don’t feel the pang of my empty arms, or the pull of not being in ‘the club’.

Infertility the invisible shadow that follows me

Infertility …. Ah that poxy label that somehow is supposed to encapsulate everything about the way you are feeling. Without articulating it those around you expect you to be over it by now, you can just tell, it’s in a knowing smile or a little wink, almost telling you that you are being humoured for the time being, bringing out the same ole story……

The same ole story for us is our life story, we are blessed to have each other, but I feel weighed down by the loss of my motherhood. I am not depressed, just frustrated that I still feel like this. I am waiting for an epiphany of freedoms, something that releases me from the guilt, anger, loneliness and frustration infertility has caused. A few weeks ago we spent the evening with someone with children, they left earlier than expected and I got it in to my head that she was pregnant again, completely my imagination, but I was so disappointed with my reaction and the thought they could be pregnant I ruined what was left of our last holiday weekend of the summer.

Our friends especially mine either work or personal, have this glow of envy if when asked what I did at the weekend I say I spent the day on my own…… When they had time with their children, either shopping, or playing, or cooking their teas. Seriously you want me to see this as a bad thing? It’s not that I don’t have some appreciation for all you do as a mother I promise it’s not, I am not a bitter jealous person. If I could I would sacrifice everything to have a small bit of what you have. Someone who needs you, someone who loves you, unconditionally and someone who regards you as their mother. I hope that doesn’t sound like a contradiction it’s really not meant to.

I know the grass is always greener, I know that we all want something else, something different and I also know I am so lucky to share my world with the most beautiful man, but I feel lonely and lost, sometimes it’s like a physical pain that makes me snappy and short. Anger is not my forte, I find myself defending what I do, how I live my life. Why ? I don’t know ….. Why do I feel like this ? I don’t understand …..

I still dream of being pregnant, and find being in the company of pregnant women terribly uncomfortable, after all this time it still plagues me – will I never be free ?

Of course a positive of our position has meant that this summer we have been incredibly blessed to spend many evenings and weekends with the number of beautiful children within our family and wider friendship circle, they are all growing up so fast. Our beautiful god daughter spent her first weekend with us only a couple of weeks ago…..tired me out shopping in Primarni for a new wardrobe and we then had cake with hot chocolate, the weekend was more perfect than you could ever imagine.

Perhaps my feelings are normal, perhaps this is living and surviving infertility – who knows ? Perhaps we were wrong walking away?

Thanks for reading x

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6 Responses to "Infertility the invisible shadow that follows me"

Your life might be childless but it sounds like it’s definitely child full! ❤

Sending you ((hugs)).
~Elizabetcetera

You are so right, my life is blessed with many fabulous children and will always be their Auntie, thank you xxxxxxx

I have to be an Auntie too! No kids for me either … just my two lovely furry kitties! 🙂 My baby house was taken out this June.

Never heard it called that before, hope you are recovering well, tough times – have 3 cats this end too xxxxxxx

Hysterectomy and the resulting infertility is a very difficult pill to swallow. I too had a hysterectomy and it was awful, though it was immediately following the birth of my firstborn. I did go to have more children through surrogacy and adoption and I can tell you that surrogacy and adoption were positive, wonderful experiences. Good luck in your journey, wherever your path takes you.
-melissa (www.threewaystobaby.com)

Hello Melissa, thank you so much for stopping by. So happy your journey has given you a beautiful family. We explored both surrogacy and adoption and it was not meant to be for us, but I know for Many it is a positive and rewarding experience, we had to choose to move on and this has been mostly positive, especially when you allow yourself to accept it will still hurt.

For now I ama professional aunt !

Good luck with everything your end too xxxxxxx

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